07.05.2020

If the Trump years were a D&D-style RPG

- "Since John ragequit, no one has been taking care of the Venezuela situation. It's brewing and could lead to great instability. What do you do, Don?"
- "Send the military?"
- "Not enough gold, would make things worse."
- "Use diplomacy?"
- "After what you called their leader?"
- "Oh. Hmm ... didn't we meet these mercenaries in that bar during the Bowling Green game?"
- "T- they were joke NPCs. You know, to fail hilariously so you could ride in at the last moment to stop the massacre?"
- "I want to use them."
- "For- for a coup? In Venezuela? They have abysmal stats, no equipment ..."
- "I want to use them."
- *sigh* "Throw"
- "1! Oops"

- "I really don't like the way this group is going since Don threw his couple of 20s and became President. I've built my character for years, made connections, acted carefully, even learned Spanish for real. I mean I made a whole family tree with elaborate backstories. I referenced earlier characters we had and CIA secrets we discovered, and now all we talk about is porn stars, 'hamberders' and Lysol!"
- "Shut up Jeb"
- "Actually, I agree with Jeb. Do you know what I had t-"
- "SHUT UP HILLARY"

- "While we're waiting for the others, can I talk to you for a second about Roger? I know he's an old friend of yours since the Nixon release, but his style is really old-fashioned, he insults everyone constantly and is just totally reckless. Wikileaks? The Russian mob?? Don doesn't care, he relies on his enchanted dice, but we others want to continue our characters after the 'Trump' era and not get whacked. It wasn't easy to become Secretary of State as a Kansas bumpkin!"
- "Ok ok, he's going to prison Mike. Happy?"
- "Great, that'll be the end of him!"

- "Hey guys, heard you're doing a presidential campaign again. I want to take part!"
- "Joe? Oh ok, but Liz, Bernie and Kamala have been pretty involved already. Liz has 19 INT and Bernie 18 CHA. Pete has 20 DEX and moves like water."
- "No problem. Still using the 1976 rules?"
- "Umm no. What policies do you want to champion? Bernie even made real charts and all for his 'Medicare for All' policy."
- "A little bit of this, a little bit of that."
- "Oh ok. Any stats you want to focus on?"
- "No, I'll just reuse my old character sheet."
- "But the conversion factors will disadvantage you."
- "It's good. But can I put a line in my bio that I was a sidekick to Barack's character?"
- "Sure why not, always for more flavour, heh, what's the harm?"
...
- "I'm sorry guys, them's the rules. Double-count the primary results if you want, but the African-American factor just crushed for Joe in South Carolina, and everything snowballed from there."
- "You screwed me in Iowa!"
- "Calm down Pete."
- "I VISITED EVERY FUCKING BARN IN THAT SHITHOLE! Joe didn't even show up and if he did, he threw a 1 on his stump speech! HIS STUMP SPEECH!!"
- "Pete ..."
- "I WON IOWA!! When Barack did it, it was the golden ticket, but when I do it, suddenly there are 'technical difficulties'!"

Keine Kommentare:

Kommentar veröffentlichen